I'm Sylvester, and I am not afraid of anyone, much.
I'm not very strong, but I've been in all sorts of dangerous situations - largely for the thrill of it. And I have been outgrowing that stage for some years, little by little.

I feel very experienced, and I know exactly what a monogamous relationship requires, from my side.
For me, a certain temperance is necessary. I try not to idealize my man, since I am actively looking for some Gentle Ben (with no body descrition) to hang out with.
I don't sit in chat rooms, I don't own porn. I can convert my small eccentricities into a regular guy look, if someone wants me to. I don't care what I wear, that much.

It is extremely tough to find HIV positive Bears in NY, for me. The ones I run into, very rarely, are usually drunk. The would-be Bears are at sex parties, doing all sorts of things I don't want to do anymore.
I'm 44, and I can't stretch like that - so don't ask!

We seem to have no regular hang-out in NYC. You can't just walk into a bar and meet like-minded people. They aren't in a particular park.
The Internet has made a closet for HIVers, and Positive Personals is not a Bear Haven. GMHC has nothing for regular men.

So I bought a laptop, for several reasons, but reason #1 is to meet one man who wants one man for the rest of our possibly shorter-than-normal lives.
I put my Youtube channel out there, trying to keep it acceptable for the family, "subwaysleuth" is my name on YT. There you will see a gay man with many different faces. The one that plays Chopin and Bach is my most true-to-self.
The lack of a camera partner has caused a lack of further interest. I want to go places, and make films with some body.
Or, I just want to throw away the camera and cuddle with a guy who can manage a conversation between kisses.

Why is that so unreasonable? Why are there so may HIV postive men who are scared of one another? Most clinics I have been to (dozens!) have a mostly single-male population.
Janis Joplin couldn't get it, in "Ball and Chain." Why are we so lonely, when there are so many good people, right here, right now.

Why have we stopped "trying each other on" - the way it was back when AIDS was cooking, but not treatable. And before that. Guys just tried out kissing, at least - in a park, when they felt like it.

Gay men are very visible, and yet we are so careful not to touch in public. If we have anyone to touch. Lesbians in The Bronx, let me tell you, they are the Bears of Today. They are all over each other on the trains. It's an inspiration. Nobody gives them a problem.

Bears may be shy, but they are known to socialize with each other, freely.

My hope is that the smaller class of Bears who are HIV+ will step out and not fear so much the opinions of the rest.

I like a guy with sunken cheeks, and a beard to set if off.

Peace,
Sylvester